CHUCK IN A BOX

I’ve just been busy with work, family, and a couple of other projects I’ve been working on.  I have promised myself that I’ll make the time to try to blog every couple of days.

Soooo what’s happened recently….

Um California courts upheld Prop 8, no surprise there, I just wish my ‘brothers and sisters’ would take a step back from all the angry protesting and such and take a look at what the court had to rule on.  If I’m understanding correctly, they were ruling on whether or not Prop 8 was an amendment to the California Constitution or if it was a change to the document.  I think it is just going to take some couple filing a suit and showing that this garbage piece of legislation still flies in the face of California’s Equal Protection Clause and should be stricken.  Again, our founding fathers did NOT mean for the majority to vote on the rules of the minority, that is why we do not have a pure democracy – we have a federated republic.  Most people don’t really know that sadly, even though they know the words to The Pledge of Allegiance, which contains the words “and to the Republic for which it stands”.

Susan Boylelost BGT to Diversity – don’t get me wrong, those dancers are good and I could never begin to do what they can but…..street dancers? Really?  I mean I can see Susan selling out concert halls but, do people pay to go so a street dance troupe?  Well, other than ballet and stuff?  I guess you can tell who I was rooting for, huh?

Well, time to get ready for bed.  Gotta be up at 5 AM – weeeeeeeee fun.

This morning, the “National Organization for Marriage” launched a disturbing ad using actors to push lies claiming that marriage equalty threatens personal freedoms. The ad is going up on the airwaves across America — eight times a day in California — as NOM seeks to build what they are calling a “rainbow coalition” against equality.

What is REALLY laughable is that they say the people in the ad are not actors but, here are the audition reels – wow some people will do anything for money I guess.  What a bunch of asshats.

Audition Tape 1:

Audition Tape 2:

I guess with the passage of legislation in Vermont and the new same sex ruling in Iowa coupled with MA and CT and the potential for CA to go to same-sex marriage these wackos are getting desperate.

From the Associated Press:

A judge has issued New York state’s first ruling that the survivor of a legal same-sex marriage is entitled to inherit a dead spouse’s estate.

Manhattan Surrogate Court Judge Kristin Booth Glen ruled that J. Craig Leiby was “the surviving spouse” and sole heir of H. Kenneth Ranftle.

For the full story clicky linky

I had heard that New York was going to recognize foreign same sex marriages – I don’t understand how/why they would do that but would not allow same sex marriages in their state.  Oh well….the times they are a’ changin’ and changing for the better (but then, I guess THAT depends on who you ask – LOL) 

Oh no, I like gay people I have a few friends are gay and my mom LOVES to watch ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’!  I’ll never forget that one as long as I live….

Dunno her position on Prop 8, just happened to find this and thought it was funny.

Like some tired old Klansman of days gone by, Prop 8 supporters were trying to hide their faces behind the white sheets/hoods of anonymity.  But a Federal judge has denied Prop 8 supporters request to withhold disclosure of the names and address of Prop 8 supporters (you know the ones who wanted to ban same-sex marriage in CA) – as noted in the LA Times.  If they are so proud of their cause/support, why would they be ashamed of their support of said support being made public.  

I, personally, prefer to know who the bigots are – yes, I understand that people are entitled to their opinions but, IMHO voting to TAKE AWAY rights of others makes you a bigot….YES so, I really like this handy database I found that lets me see who donated what and who they work for.  Wow, imagine my surprise when I found people in Virginia that work for huge companies that have impressive diversity policies that donated to take away rights of their fellow citizens.  Even a few people in Richmond donated to Yes on 8 – luckily, the majority of the donors (local) donated to fight against the proposition.

From his LA Times article – Bob Barr, the author of the federal Defense of Marriage Act, admits that he was wrong and now thinks it’s time for his law to get the boot and, frankly, I couldn’t agree more.  Even President Elect Obama believes that DOMA needs to be stricken down.  YAY Obama! 

In effect, DOMA’s language reflects one-way federalism: It protects only those states that don’t want to accept a same-sex marriage granted by another state. Moreover, the heterosexual definition of marriage for purposes of federal laws — including, immigration, Social Security survivor rights and veteran’s benefits — has become a de facto club used to limit, if not thwart, the ability of a state to choose to recognize same-sex unions.

I guess this really isn’t NEW news, since he stated the same thing in May of last year at the 2008 Libertarian National Convention (see below) but I still think it’s a ‘Good Thing’ – yes, yes….I love Martha – Deal With It.

Join the Impact is seeking to gather at least one million signatures on an Open Letter to President Barack Obama to be delivered to him on his first day in office, in protest of DOMA.

Find out more at Join the Impact!  The event itself will vary by location depending on organizers availability and local sense of how to best do it.  Here’s a link to information for cities in Virginia.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that comment and I guess my only reaction really is sort of a ‘Yeah – what did you think?’  I don’t go around with a tiara on my head or anything and I certainly don’t introduce myself, “Hi, I’m Chuck – and I’m gay!  Nice to meet you.” but, conversely there is no shame in my game – if someone has the balls to ask me if I’m gay then, I certainly have the balls to answer them honestly.  I’ve gotten the ‘..but you’re so normal’ comment a bit more than I would really like – after all, what is it people are expecting?  I really think the uninformed masses are expecting us (gays and lesbians) to be something akin to what they see in the media.  

Every time I see coverage of an LGBT event or something like a Pride event, inevitably, the media focuses on THE most extreme attendants.  How many times I have seen leather daddies, drag queens, guys in jockstraps and combat boots, dykes on bikes, etc. versus the number of oh say….Log Cabin Republicans or gay/lesbian families with children?  (Side note – I should say that, IMHO, there is nothing wrong with being into leather, drag, etc. if that is your bag – after all, there are also a fair number of heterosexuals in the leather/fetish/cross dressing community.  I think the media focuses too much on those ‘fringe’ groups for ratings and sensationalism instead of showing non-stereotypical gays and lesbians.)

Once people get to know me and are more comfortable around me, the topic of my personal life comes up they are usually very surprised all in all.  I also get comments like, ‘You’re the first gay person I’ve known’ or ‘You’re the first gay person I’ve been comfortable enough with to ask this but…’ – I usually tell them that I am happy to answer their questions.  I would rather people ask me and give me the opportunity to let them be informed versus going around assuming things about me and other LGBT folks (not that I speak for all of us but…).  In the end, most of the folks I talk to come to the realization that, ‘Wow, you’re just like me/us’ and that’s really all I want people to know.

I mean I AM just like you with the exception of something that I actually find about as significant to the whole as the color of my eyes.  I am Chuck; I’m a friend; I’m a son; I’m a brother; I’m a co-worker; I’m a father; I’m a grandfather; I’m a fellow human and…I just ‘happen’ to be gay.  I am so much more than my sexuality, I’m just sorry that there are those out there that seem to focus on that small part of me first and foremost among all of my other qualities and contributions.

We worry about the same things you do – will my son make the right decisions? will the three houses around me sell soon so my property value can recover? will my job still be there 6 months from now?  which bill do I put off paying this month so I can afford to buy my niece a birthday present? should I start saving now for the new windshield I’m going to need for my car to pass inspection? what kind of anniversary present should I get my son and daughter-in-law? which store has the best price on fridge pack sodas this week? etc.

Do I want to destroy marriage?  Do I want to undermine YOUR traditions?  Do I want to flaunt my sexuality?  No, as a matter of fact I.DO.NOT. but, what I do want is to have exactly the same rights and benefits that many heterosexual couples wake up with and take for granted on a daily basis.  If my neighbors husband dies, she is able to receive his pension or social security benefits; if my neighbors wife is in the hospital, he automatically has the right to be there and say what happens if she is unable to do so; if my neighbors husband is placed into a nursing home, she is not forced to sell her home to pay for his care; if my neighbors wife is wrongfully killed in an automobile accident, he has the right to sue for wrongful death or loss of consortium.  There are many more examples of federal and state benefits that heterosexual couples automatically receive just by getting married.

On the order of 1,400 legal rights are conferred upon married couples in the U.S. Typically these are composed of about 400 state benefits and over 1,000 federal benefits. Among them are the rights to:

• joint parenting;
• joint adoption;
• joint foster care, custody, and visitation (including non-biological parents);
• status as next-of-kin for hospital visits and medical decisions where one partner is too ill to be competent;
• joint insurance policies for home, auto and health;
• dissolution and divorce protections such as community property and child support;
• immigration and residency for partners from other countries;
• inheritance automatically in the absence of a will;
• joint leases with automatic renewal rights in the event one partner dies or leaves the house or apartment;
• inheritance of jointly-owned real and personal property through the right of survivorship (which avoids the time and expense and taxes in probate);
• benefits such as annuities, pension plans, Social Security, and Medicare;
• spousal exemptions to property tax increases upon the death of one partner who is a co-owner of the home;
• veterans’ discounts on medical care, education, and home loans; joint filing of tax returns;
• joint filing of customs claims when traveling;
• wrongful death benefits for a surviving partner and children;
• bereavement or sick leave to care for a partner or child;
• decision-making power with respect to whether a deceased partner will be cremated or not and where to bury him or her;
• crime victims’ recovery benefits;
• loss of consortium tort benefits;
• domestic violence protection orders;
• judicial protections and evidentiary immunity;
• and more….

Most of these legal and economic benefits cannot be privately arranged or contracted for. For example, absent a legal (or civil) marriage, there is no guaranteed joint responsibility to the partner and to third parties (including children) in such areas as child support, debts to creditors, taxes, etc. In addition, private employers and institutions often give other economic privileges and other benefits (special rates or memberships) only to married couples. And, of course, when people cannot marry, they are denied all the emotional and social benefits and responsibilities of marriage as well.

I like that I’m able to help people understand that we’re just like them – as Keith says about some of the people I’ve complained about at work after finding out that they contribute HEAVILY to anti-gay groups, “You may be the only example of a happy, healthy, normal gay relationship that BLANK ever sees.  By knowing you BLANK may come to understand that maybe everything he/she has been lead to believe really is not true.”  Don’t get me wrong – those anti-gay folks are absolutely entitled to their opinions (otherwise I’d be as guilty of intolerance as some of them are apt to be) HOWEVER, their opinions should not lead them to attempt to legislate the rights of others.

It just boggles my mind that there are SO MANY sites run by ‘Christian’ people whose sole raison d’etre seems to be their preoccupation with homosexuals.  I mean, REALLY, I do not spend my every waking moment worrying about what my heterosexual neighbors may/may not be doing in bed or in their home – why is it that these folks (I refuse to give them the press by linking to their sites) have nothing better to do?  Imagine if all of that energy was put towards feeding the starving here in the US or providing shelter to the homeless or some other cause that is positive.  Oh well, to each their own I suppose. 

Let’s remember, we are a Republic, not a Democracy.  That means that the org chart for our country has everyone reporting to The Constitution – NOT THE PEOPLE.  Think about that.  Neither the president, the courts or even the legislature report to the people.  They report to the Constitution, and are duty bound to uphold the Constitutional Will, not the Peoples’ Will.  Watch this video if you need some basic training on the government of America. We are not a democracy, and never have been. We are a republic. We are a country of laws – and that includes the 14th Amendment.

Do your part to protect marriage – sign a petition to prohibit divorce!

Well, it was actually yesterday but, HAPPY 13th ANNIVERSARY to us!  

Time to reflect -

So it has really been 13 years since I first read kjmcall’s profile on AOL in one of the Gay & Lesbian Chat Rooms (not one of those seedy M4M things…thankyouverymuch) and instant messaged him that I really liked the quote in his profile.  It was, ‘Many things in life catch our eye, few our heart – pursue those’ – it struck me as a very profound thing and very true when you think about it.  He had just come from a birthday party for his daughter, Ashley, gotten the kids all to bed, and logged in to chat with other gay and lesbian folks.

So we spent a while that night in a private chat just talking to each other – I’m no cyber whore so get that outta yer head now – I don’t really remember everything we talked about that night.  I’m not sure how many nights we chatted and emailed before he gave me his 800 number at work to call him during the day.  This is when I was working for Sears at Regency and every day at lunch, I would spend the time on a pay phone in the mall talking to Keith about the day’s events.  

During our conversations he would refer to his ex and say ‘she’ – I just thought that was a gay thing as I call my best friend Ben ‘her’ or say ‘she’ when referring to Ben.  Anyway during one conversation at work it came out that several of the children I frequently heard in the background – when talking to him at home – were actually his and that his “ex” was a biological woman.  I remember the poor thing went into a panic and said we were not supposed to be having this conversation now – that it was something we were going to talk about when I visited him in Boston – which was coming up.  I, as I am want to do, got freaked out/pissed off and hung up on him – I mean….ok so he’s married and has kids…and I was falling in love with him.  I get home and Ben tells me, ‘ Your husband has been calling here every 5 minutes and says he needs to talk to you as soon as you get home!”

Well, we worked past all that and there were letters and cards and emails and all that for a few months until I got to go to Boston.  We both laugh now about how we would rush home to log into AOL and PRAY to hear, ‘You’ve Got Mail!’ I would also rush home to see if he’s sent me a card or letter (I still have every card and letter he wrote too).  I took the train to Boston to meet him which was quite the adventure.  I get to Boston during one of the worst blizzards they had had in recent years – the roads were closed and the train station was PACKED with people trying to get out of the city.  I hunkered down on a bench, coat on and my Marvin the Martian cap pulled down low keeping an eye out for Keith.  He had sent me pictures of himself but, because I’m of the opinion that I’ve not had a decent photo taken since the day I could walk, I’d never sent him one of me.  I had described myself – you know, dark brown hair in a Cesar cut, brown eyes, a few freckles, and a goatee – yeah like that just described 25% of the gay, male population – but never sent him a picture of myself.  I only mention that because – and this I still find weird – in the middle of this insanely packed train station, Keith walked right up to me while I was hunkered down on my bench and said, “Chuck?”

We spent a weekend in Boston, doing the Freedom Trail in a blizzard, going to FAO Schwartz (cause I’m really a big child), and spending time together – before we knew it, it was time for me to go back to Richmond.  The departure at the train station is especially interesting when Keith tells it.  The part about the woman asking him, “Does he know how much you love him?” and him answering “Yes, I think he does.” only to turn around and she was gone from the platform is one of the reasons we both say that our grandmothers ghosts were the ones that helped us met.  Yes, cheesy I know but…we were both pretty much raised by our grandmothers and they were the most important people in our lives and they loved us very much.  Anywho….back to the story…

The next few months there were visits to Virginia by Keith – God, how he made that trip from Syracuse to Richmond in a tiny little GEO Metro with no A/C and no radio…..I’ll never know.  This is, of course, after his ex wife and he decided it would be best if he left the house.  I had fun showing him around Richmond – he wasn’t really new to VA as he had lived here when he was married and stationed at Langley AFB – and introducing him to my family (I still remember my mom…or maybe it was my sister saying, ‘At least he’s white.’) and friends.  During our conversations and visits I ended up deciding I wanted to move to NY to be closer to him.  I did put my foot down that I didn’t want to move up there until the divorce was done.  I did not want to be the reason they were getting divorced and he repeatedly made sure I knew that ball had started rolling long ago. (Side note – it amazes me that Keith takes commitment very seriously,  to the point that he still maintains if Patty had been a happier person, he would still be with her but…well…she’s not).

I moved my meager belongings (to go with his meager belongings LOL he left most everything for his ex-wife and children) to Syracuse to our first apartment in the Frontenac Genesee Apartments on W. Genesee St. in Syracuse – GOD I loved that apartment and transferred to the Sears at Great Northern Mall in Clay, NY.  At first the kids visited us regularly as per the custody agreement but, eventually his ex got to the point where she ignored that.  She began dating almost as soon as he moved out which makes me wonder if Patty wasn’t talking to Dave at the same time Keith was talking to me….can you say irony boys and girls.  Anyway….Patty remarried and got Keith to give permission for her to take the kids out of the country to Germany.  Hanover, the company Keith worked at, was restructuring and I was bemoaning the fact that I missed my family and friends so we decided that we’d move back to VA about a year after I got there.

We quickly signed a lease on an apartment on W. Grace Street – cute apartment but had a bit of a bug problem.  Oh and Keith will NEVER live down the dreaded Cadbury Egg and Crack Whore incident which resulted in our checkbook being stolen.  No good deed goes unpunished….remember that.  We were introduced to Maria and Irish friend of Ben’s husband Tim and found out that the house next to her, in Woodland Heights, was for rent.  We ended up renting that house and stayed for almost a year there on W. 24th Street.  We would walk the neighborhood in the evenings with the dog and grew to REALLY love the area – we both love older homes – and one day went to an open house on W. 28th Street.  Unbeknownst to me, Keith put an offer in on the house after repeatedly asking me if I really liked it…I finally asked him why and that’s when he told me.  

We moved to W. 28th – our first house – and lived there for 8 very happy years and in that time grew to love our neighbors and friends and we had numerous parties and gatherings – Keith believes that hospitality is the highest of all Christian virtues and really likes to open his home to others and have people over for good food, good drink and good company.  Eventually, his son, Ian moved in with us – Yay I became a parent after all.  After Ian graduated, he moved in with Nicky and that kind of bothered me because I only ‘had a kid’ for a few brief years and hated that he felt grown and didn’t ‘need’ us anymore.

We sold our house in Woodland Heights while the real estate market was still very strong in 2006 and moved to Walnut Hill in Petersburg, VA – worst.mistake.ever.  However, I have met a few folks since moving here that have made ‘Life in the ‘burg Bearable’ – wow sounds like the title of a Blog or a Book maybe?  OH and we also got LEGALLY married in Canada in 2006 as well – though we sort of count when we first met as our anniversary date.  We’ll have been in our current house for 3 years in January and I’ve since decided that I will NEVER have another house that was built before I was born.  I like old houses yes but, I have decided that I like RENOVATED old houses – not ones that I have to do the work on.  So, it will either be a totally renovated older house OR one that was built at least in 1969.  I’m hoping that the ‘burg picks up though it has a TON of potential.

All this to say, Happy Anniversary Keith, here’s to another 13+ years and I love you very much!!!!

Interesting to note – I think we prove some bigots wrong about gay/lesbian marriage – my same-sex, monogamous relationship has outlasted my two sister’s heterosexual marriages – not that I’m braggin’ … just pointing out a detail =)

Wow…longest post I think I’ve ever made and I still feel like I didn’t tell the whole story….will have to work on that.

…like ripping apart about 18,000 legally married couples, now does it?  It’s not enough that Prop 8 put people’s (read as United States Citizens) rights up for popular vote – which should NEVER be the case but, now they want to nullify the 18K marriages that were performed while same-sex marriage was legal in CA.  I never thought about it until Keith mentioned something to me about it but, human CIVIL and EQUAL rights should never be put to majority vote.  I mean would Nazi era Germans have voted to give Jews equal rights?  How about antebellum Southerners voting to give African slaves equal rights?  Hell up until the mid to late 60′s most Southerns would not have voted to give interracial couples the right to marry.  I think it was Gandhi who said that quality of democracy should be judged from the way minorities are treated.  Then again, he’s also responsible for one of my FAVORITE quotes, “I like your Christ.  I do not like your Christians, for they are so unlike your Christ.”

And all this hoopla from Warren about ‘for 5000 years, marriage has always been between 1 man and 1 woman’ – I’m sorry….what planet is he from or does he just not know ANYTHING about history or his very own Bible?  Just look at Abraham, he slept with his servant when he found out that his beloved wife Sarah was not capable of bearing children. Or how about Jacob, who fathered children with four different women (two sisters and their servants)? Abraham, Jacob, David, Solomon as well as the kings of Judah and Israel—all these were polygamists – so it really is hard to swallow that marriage has ALWAYS been 1 man, 1 woman….don’tcha think?

Even Jesus was single and preached an indifference to earthly attachments—especially family. His apostle Paul, who was also single, saw marriage as an act of last resort for those unable to control their animal lust. “It is better to marry than to burn with passion,” says Paul, which has to be one of, if not THE, most lukewarm endorsements of marriage ever uttered.

So, while the Bible and Jesus say many important things about love and family, neither explicitly defines marriage as between one man and one woman. And second, as the examples above illustrate, no intelligent, modern person wants marriage, theirs or anyone’s, to look anything like what the Bible describes.