Happy Valentine's Day

 OR

Happy Birthday to Keith

Actually, it’s BOTH - that’s right!  Today is Valentine’s Day AND it’s Keith’s 51st birthday!  For his birthday, I got him 3 David Austin ‘Jude the Obscure‘ roses – which REALLY do smell like guava – I have NO idea how that happens but, they really, truly do smell like a lush tropical fruit.  I also got him some new Green Pans which are sooooooooo freaking amazing!

I’m realizing (and have for some time actually) that this is more than just a line from an 80′s Culture Club song (God I miss the 80′s music, it just ‘seemed’ better to me back then).  It seems as I get older that there isn’t enough time for everything that I want/need to do.  I would like to think I’m pretty good at time management but after factoring in work, household duties, yard-work, etc. there just doesn’t seem to be that much time for a lot of other things.  There are books I want to read; friends and family to call/catch up with; visits to the gym; yard projects to start; interior renovations to begin/complete; and TONS of other things I would like to do but never seem to have the time for.

I think part of the problem is that I get ‘stingy’ with my ‘personal’ time.  Waking up at 4:30 in the morning to go to the gym then coming home and getting ready for work – working all day M-F and then getting home about 5 PM, I feel like 12 of my 24 hours are gone just like that *snap*.  Next, factor in 1-2 hours to unwind from work, eat, play with the dogs, pick up around the house plus 8 hours for sleep each night and I’m left with only about 2 hours per day….TWO HOURS?!?!  I refuse to be one of those people who live my life by a day-runner type pocket planner but MY GOD how else do working adults find the time to DO things they WANT to do after doing everything they HAVE to do?

Part of the ‘problem’ seems to be that – and my mother always told me this would happen – as I get older, time goes by faster and faster.  I swear, it seemed like it took FOREVER before I was able to drive (16); then FOREVER before I would graduate high school (18); FOREVER until I was legally able to drink (21) and now…I just can’t slow time down.  I totally understand what she meant now….of course then, I didn’t get it – kids never appreciate what their parents tell them until they get to ‘that’ age.  She also used to tell me that ‘Youth was wasted on the young because they don’t appreciate it.’  Again, I TOTALLY get that now mom!

LOL I remember my best friend, Ben, and I talking about how we would either kill ourselves or get married (to women) when we reached 40 – because older gays are pretty much ostracized in the gay community.  Now that I’m almost 40 (well about a week away) I cannot imagine doing EITHER of those things.  I, for the most part, really like my life and wouldn’t change a thing (except for moving from Woodland Heights – Richmond to Walnut Hill – Petersburg).  I do, quite frankly, worry that I won’t have enough time to accomplish everything that I want to do/see in my life before its over.  I have no doubt that the next 40 (or however many there will be) years will go significantly faster than the previous 40.  I guess the moral is that you have to make EVERY day, EVERY moment count.  UGGGG what is this I’m having some sort of mid-life realization/crisis thing???  Will it make me a better person?  Will I finally MAKE time for everything that I want to do.

I realize that after I retire (thank God I work for the State and have a nice deferred compensation plan, pension, and other benefits – I won’t be one of those retirees eating cat food LOL) I’ll have a lot more ‘free’ time for travel, gardening, reading, yada yada but, I want to make sure I can do some of that stuff – hiking up to Machu Picchu – while I’m virile enough to do it.  (Wow…like 40 makes me ancient and incapable of walking/hiking LOL….NOT).  Oddly though I know I’m aging, I still think and feel like a child most times – mom always said I suffered from PPS (Peter Pan Syndrome) – well I’m rambling now, guess I’ll go get more coffee, get Keith up, and be about the business of the day – God knows there is stuff to be done!

Well, it was actually yesterday but, HAPPY 13th ANNIVERSARY to us!  

Time to reflect -

So it has really been 13 years since I first read kjmcall’s profile on AOL in one of the Gay & Lesbian Chat Rooms (not one of those seedy M4M things…thankyouverymuch) and instant messaged him that I really liked the quote in his profile.  It was, ‘Many things in life catch our eye, few our heart – pursue those’ – it struck me as a very profound thing and very true when you think about it.  He had just come from a birthday party for his daughter, Ashley, gotten the kids all to bed, and logged in to chat with other gay and lesbian folks.

So we spent a while that night in a private chat just talking to each other – I’m no cyber whore so get that outta yer head now – I don’t really remember everything we talked about that night.  I’m not sure how many nights we chatted and emailed before he gave me his 800 number at work to call him during the day.  This is when I was working for Sears at Regency and every day at lunch, I would spend the time on a pay phone in the mall talking to Keith about the day’s events.  

During our conversations he would refer to his ex and say ‘she’ – I just thought that was a gay thing as I call my best friend Ben ‘her’ or say ‘she’ when referring to Ben.  Anyway during one conversation at work it came out that several of the children I frequently heard in the background – when talking to him at home – were actually his and that his “ex” was a biological woman.  I remember the poor thing went into a panic and said we were not supposed to be having this conversation now – that it was something we were going to talk about when I visited him in Boston – which was coming up.  I, as I am want to do, got freaked out/pissed off and hung up on him – I mean….ok so he’s married and has kids…and I was falling in love with him.  I get home and Ben tells me, ‘ Your husband has been calling here every 5 minutes and says he needs to talk to you as soon as you get home!”

Well, we worked past all that and there were letters and cards and emails and all that for a few months until I got to go to Boston.  We both laugh now about how we would rush home to log into AOL and PRAY to hear, ‘You’ve Got Mail!’ I would also rush home to see if he’s sent me a card or letter (I still have every card and letter he wrote too).  I took the train to Boston to meet him which was quite the adventure.  I get to Boston during one of the worst blizzards they had had in recent years – the roads were closed and the train station was PACKED with people trying to get out of the city.  I hunkered down on a bench, coat on and my Marvin the Martian cap pulled down low keeping an eye out for Keith.  He had sent me pictures of himself but, because I’m of the opinion that I’ve not had a decent photo taken since the day I could walk, I’d never sent him one of me.  I had described myself – you know, dark brown hair in a Cesar cut, brown eyes, a few freckles, and a goatee – yeah like that just described 25% of the gay, male population – but never sent him a picture of myself.  I only mention that because – and this I still find weird – in the middle of this insanely packed train station, Keith walked right up to me while I was hunkered down on my bench and said, “Chuck?”

We spent a weekend in Boston, doing the Freedom Trail in a blizzard, going to FAO Schwartz (cause I’m really a big child), and spending time together – before we knew it, it was time for me to go back to Richmond.  The departure at the train station is especially interesting when Keith tells it.  The part about the woman asking him, “Does he know how much you love him?” and him answering “Yes, I think he does.” only to turn around and she was gone from the platform is one of the reasons we both say that our grandmothers ghosts were the ones that helped us met.  Yes, cheesy I know but…we were both pretty much raised by our grandmothers and they were the most important people in our lives and they loved us very much.  Anywho….back to the story…

The next few months there were visits to Virginia by Keith – God, how he made that trip from Syracuse to Richmond in a tiny little GEO Metro with no A/C and no radio…..I’ll never know.  This is, of course, after his ex wife and he decided it would be best if he left the house.  I had fun showing him around Richmond – he wasn’t really new to VA as he had lived here when he was married and stationed at Langley AFB – and introducing him to my family (I still remember my mom…or maybe it was my sister saying, ‘At least he’s white.’) and friends.  During our conversations and visits I ended up deciding I wanted to move to NY to be closer to him.  I did put my foot down that I didn’t want to move up there until the divorce was done.  I did not want to be the reason they were getting divorced and he repeatedly made sure I knew that ball had started rolling long ago. (Side note – it amazes me that Keith takes commitment very seriously,  to the point that he still maintains if Patty had been a happier person, he would still be with her but…well…she’s not).

I moved my meager belongings (to go with his meager belongings LOL he left most everything for his ex-wife and children) to Syracuse to our first apartment in the Frontenac Genesee Apartments on W. Genesee St. in Syracuse – GOD I loved that apartment and transferred to the Sears at Great Northern Mall in Clay, NY.  At first the kids visited us regularly as per the custody agreement but, eventually his ex got to the point where she ignored that.  She began dating almost as soon as he moved out which makes me wonder if Patty wasn’t talking to Dave at the same time Keith was talking to me….can you say irony boys and girls.  Anyway….Patty remarried and got Keith to give permission for her to take the kids out of the country to Germany.  Hanover, the company Keith worked at, was restructuring and I was bemoaning the fact that I missed my family and friends so we decided that we’d move back to VA about a year after I got there.

We quickly signed a lease on an apartment on W. Grace Street – cute apartment but had a bit of a bug problem.  Oh and Keith will NEVER live down the dreaded Cadbury Egg and Crack Whore incident which resulted in our checkbook being stolen.  No good deed goes unpunished….remember that.  We were introduced to Maria and Irish friend of Ben’s husband Tim and found out that the house next to her, in Woodland Heights, was for rent.  We ended up renting that house and stayed for almost a year there on W. 24th Street.  We would walk the neighborhood in the evenings with the dog and grew to REALLY love the area – we both love older homes – and one day went to an open house on W. 28th Street.  Unbeknownst to me, Keith put an offer in on the house after repeatedly asking me if I really liked it…I finally asked him why and that’s when he told me.  

We moved to W. 28th – our first house – and lived there for 8 very happy years and in that time grew to love our neighbors and friends and we had numerous parties and gatherings – Keith believes that hospitality is the highest of all Christian virtues and really likes to open his home to others and have people over for good food, good drink and good company.  Eventually, his son, Ian moved in with us – Yay I became a parent after all.  After Ian graduated, he moved in with Nicky and that kind of bothered me because I only ‘had a kid’ for a few brief years and hated that he felt grown and didn’t ‘need’ us anymore.

We sold our house in Woodland Heights while the real estate market was still very strong in 2006 and moved to Walnut Hill in Petersburg, VA – worst.mistake.ever.  However, I have met a few folks since moving here that have made ‘Life in the ‘burg Bearable’ – wow sounds like the title of a Blog or a Book maybe?  OH and we also got LEGALLY married in Canada in 2006 as well – though we sort of count when we first met as our anniversary date.  We’ll have been in our current house for 3 years in January and I’ve since decided that I will NEVER have another house that was built before I was born.  I like old houses yes but, I have decided that I like RENOVATED old houses – not ones that I have to do the work on.  So, it will either be a totally renovated older house OR one that was built at least in 1969.  I’m hoping that the ‘burg picks up though it has a TON of potential.

All this to say, Happy Anniversary Keith, here’s to another 13+ years and I love you very much!!!!

Interesting to note – I think we prove some bigots wrong about gay/lesbian marriage – my same-sex, monogamous relationship has outlasted my two sister’s heterosexual marriages – not that I’m braggin’ … just pointing out a detail =)

Wow…longest post I think I’ve ever made and I still feel like I didn’t tell the whole story….will have to work on that.

….I now pronounce you Partner & Partner?; or … how about, I now pronounce you legally wed? Bwhahaha yeah right, in Vah-juhn-yah. AIN’T.GONNA.HAPPEN!  So, Keith, my other half, decided he didn’t like being my ‘partner’ in the About Me section sooo I’m setting the record straight (pun intended).

Memorial Day week of 2006, I was officially married to this man:

Back Off! He's Mine!

Now regrettably, we had to go to a different country for that to happen.  We had a nice ceremony in Canada; stayed in the Konica Minolta Toweroverlooking Niagara Falls; and had a really swell time!  I was actually shocked at how non-chalant the people were about the fact that two men were coming to get married.  I’ll never forget Keith’s comment, “Welcome to a civilized country.”  Everyone we met was so cool with it – the border guard, the waitstaff at Applebee’s and other restaurants, the nice lady at City Hall (where we got our license), EVERYONE was just so matter-of-fact about it.

Sadly, we’re not valid in this country….I know, I know – all those heterosexual couples from Canada, EU, South America, Asia, etc. ALL have to get re-married when they come to this country to live and/or work – ohhhh wait a tick – they don’t!  That’s riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. /sarcasm.

Well, the whole point of this post was just to let everyone know that Keith John Redden-McAllister is my LEGALLY (that’s right naysayers!) wed husband.

Now I’ll get a frantic call yelling at me for posting that picture but … guess what….IT’S STAYING THERE!

EDIT:  8/1/08 – Yes, he made me change the picture. LOL.